Ndibatane neni parwendo rwangu rwekuzvitsvaga, kukunda kushungurudzika uye kuwana rusununguko rwechokwadi zvese mune imwe kushandura ukama naMwari. By Matthew Pakula

Nguva yekuverenga: 5 maminitsi

Ini ndinonzi Mateo. Ndakaita izvi nguva pfupi yapfuura LGBTQ+ mararamiro akafuratira. Rwendo rwangu rwakaratidzwa nekunetsekana kwenguva refu nekukwezva varumekadzi - pamwe zvakakonzerwa nekushungurudzwa kwepabonde kwakawanda kwandakasangana nako ndiine makore 9 uye izvo zvakandikanganisa zvakanyanya. Kukanganisa kwezviitiko zvinoshungurudza izvi kwakawedzerwa nekutyisidzira kwandakaitwa nemutadzi maererano nemhuri yangu. Izvi zvakaita kuti ndinzwe ndichifanira kushanda pamwe chete.

Migumisiro yezviitiko izvi yakandisiya ndiine mirangariro huru yokuva nemhaka uye nyadzi. Ndakanetseka nemibvunzo yekuti ndingadai ndakapindura sei zvakasiyana uye ndakanzwa ndisina kuzvidzivirira. Pandakazotaura nezve bonde rangu ndisina kunyatsonzwisisa kuti izwi rekuti “ngochani” rairevei, ndaishungurudzwa ndashungurudzwa. Nekutya kumwe kutambudzwa uye nekupesvedzerwa nekuratidzwa kwakashata kwenyaya dzeLGBTQ+ mune zvese zvemagariro uye zvechitendero, ndakanzwa ndichimanikidzwa kuvanza hunhu hwangu hwepabonde uye kuve nehukama husina kunaka naMwari.

Pakuora mwoyo achiri mudiki

Pandakapinda chikoro chesekondari, ndakanyatsochengetedza chimiro chekunze chemazuva ose uye ndakavanza matambudziko angu emukati kubva kune vezera rangu. Zvisinei, iyi façade yakawedzera kutungamirira kumamiriro ezvinhu okusuwa uye kufunganya, uye chikonzero chokunetseka kwangu mupfungwa chakawedzera kundiomera kunzwisisa. Kuoma kwekutambudzika kwangu kwakazviratidza mukuzvikuvadza, kuedza kwetsika kuwana nyaradzo kubva mukuora mwoyo kunopedza zvose.

Panguva iyi ndakanga ndazvibvisa pana Mwari, ndichinzwa ndaraswa uye ndisinganzwiki. Kugumbuka kwangu nehasha kuna Mwari zvakabva mumurangariro wokuti Iye akanga asina kupindura minyengetero yangu nokuda kwechinjo yomunhu oga. Uyezve, ndakanetseka nokugumbuka nokuti ndaidavira kuti Mwari akandisika nenzira yaipesana nezvinodzidziswa neBhaibheri. Saka zvino ndaifanira kutsungirira kutambura kusingakodzeri. Asi chimwe chinhu chinokosha chakaitika pakati pegore rangu rejuniya rechikoro chesekondari: Ndakasarudza kupa Mwari mumwe mukana.

Ndakapa Mwari mumwe mukana

Ndakaona kuti minyengetero yangu yakanga yava nemakore ichienda nenzira isiri iyo uye ndakachinja maitiro angu. Panzvimbo pokukumbira Mwari kuti andichinje, zvino ndakakumbira kuti Iye andibetsere kupa iyi nharaunda youpenyu hwangu kukuda Kwake. Kuchinja kwemaonero uku kwakandiratidza zvakajeka kuti zvakanga zvakaipa sei kugara ndichipomera Mwari chinhu chiri chose. Kubva panguva iyoyo zvichienda mberi, kuora mwoyo kwangu kwakanyangarika uye kuzvidya mwoyo kwangu kwakaderera zvikuru. Ndakazonzwa ndakwana. Panguva iyi, ndakatanga rwendo rwokukudziridza ukama naMwari. Izvi zvakaunza chinjo dzakanaka muupenyu hwangu. Sezvineiwo, izvi hazvina kupera zvakanaka sezvaitarisirwa nemunhu.

Kutya kusurukirwa

Ndakarwadziwa nepfungwa yekuti ndaizofanira kugara ndega kweupenyu hwangu hwese. Nokuti ndakanga ndasiya mararamiro eungochani ndisingakwezverwi nevasikana. Izvozvo zvakandipedza simba. Pakupedzisira, ndakanga ndisingakwanisi kutsungirira kariro yacho uye ndakaedza kubatanidza ungochani nechiKristu. Mukuedza uku, ndakapinda mukududzira kwakamonyaniswa kweBhaibheri uye ndikashandura “mamiriro ezvinhu enhoroondo” kuti ndiruramise mararamiro aya.

The downward spiral

Mushure mekupedza chikoro chesekondari, ndakanyura zvachose mumararamiro aya, kufambidzana nevarume uye kurarama hupenyu hwengochani. Chinhu chimwe chandakadzidza, kunyanguvezvo, chakanga chiri chokuti kuputsa mutemo mumwe chete waMwari kwakaparira tapuro huru yokubvumirana pane zvisina kufanira kweBhaibheri netsika. Pakupedzisira ndakatsvaka kunyaradzwa nedoro nezvinodhaka uye ndakanyura munhamo. Kudzika uku kwakaguma nechiitiko chinosiririsa muna Kubvumbi 2023 umo ndakabatwa zvehutsinye pabonde mushure mekubvuma kufambidzana nemunhu wandakasangana naye pamhepo.

Turning point

Ichi chiitiko chinoshungurudza chakandinyudza mukuora mwoyo kwakadzama, umo ndakanzwa ndapera simba uye ndaremerwa nokuzvipa mhosva uye kunyara sokurangarira kwandakaita pauduku hwangu. Asi shanduko yakaitika humwe husiku apo, mukutsvaga kwangu kwekunetseka mupfungwa, ndakasangana ne Instagram post kubva kushamwari yangu yepamoyo. Ndivo chete shamwari yaiva netsika dzechokwadi dzechiKristu isingatsigiri mararamiro andaiita. Mharidzo yepositi yakandibata zvikuru: "Hapana chinofananidzwa nerufaro uye rusununguko rwaunonzwa paunopa hupenyu hwako kuna HIM uye kuisa zvose mumaoko ake."

Ichi chinyorwa chakave netapuro huru pandiri, kumutsa chido chemufaro uye kuzadzikiswa kwakataurwa neshamwari yangu, manzwiro andakanga ndisisayeuki. Usiku ihwohwo, ndakazvininipisa, ndikachema kuna Mwari, uye ndakasarudza kubva pasi pemwoyo wangu kurega mararamiro anokuvadza andakanga ndave ndichirarama. Ndakasarudza kusiya zvose kwaari, ndichiziva kuti kuburikidza naMwari chete ndaigona kuwana mufaro wechokwadi nekugutsikana. Kusvikira nhasi, ndinovimba hupenyu hwangu zvizere kwaAri uye ndinowana mufaro wechokwadi uye kuzadzikiswa kekutanga. Kutya kusurukirwa kwehupenyu hwese kwapera uye kwakatsiviwa nechokwadi chekuti Mwari vane chirongwa chinoshamisa chehupenyu hwangu. Ndinovimba naye chete.

mabviro: Coming Out Ministries Newsletter, Kukadzi 2024.
www.comingoutministries.org