In many cases, obedience, if it is given at all, is involuntary. Parents and children cannot see things from the same point of view. But a wise mother once said, "My boys have always wanted to do what I thought was best. If they didn't feel like it, I would guide them step by step. Not one of my boys has ever disobeyed me in his life."

How to achieve this? It's best not to get obedience through an argument. At the same time, conscious disobedience should of course not simply be ignored.

Forced obedience

Someone once wrote:

»Let's take a look at two mothers and their different ways of dealing with the same offence: A boy comes home from playing and carelessly throws his cap on the floor. His mother tells him to pick her up and put her in her place. He refuses. The mother repeats the request a little more severely. The boy refuses even more firmly. The mother is angry and expresses it. Strong feelings arouse corresponding strong feelings in the other. The mother's anger arouses the boy's anger. As punishment, his mother spontaneously slaps him in the face. He fights back. A quarrel has started. The will of both is directed against each other. If the mother wins, the boy obeys sullenly, angrily and bitterly. But he decides: When I'm older, I'll assert myself! Maybe the next time he comes into the house he'll throw his hat on the floor just out of spite. After all, he wants to win the power struggle. Maybe he actually wins it. Then he looks down on the mother with secret or open contempt. Meanwhile, the mother tries to force obedience, but she is unsuccessful.

Gentle directed obedience

Another mother asks her child to pick up the cap. The child refuses. The mother quietly picks her up and allows the child's disobedience to be followed by a consequence, not a harsh punishment. It is only important that the consequence follows every time, and not only without expressed anger, but also without feeling it. The situation repeated itself the next day. The same thing happens over and over again day after day. After some time, the child realizes that disobedience is not worth it. The will of the two never comes into open conflict with each other. There is never a fight. The mother's persistence never arouses the child's willingness to fight. His self-will is not awakened because the mother also shows no self-will. She suffers the humiliation of having a disobedient child; the child suffers the consequences of his disobedience.”

More tips

If the child is willful or stubborn at times, it is good to offer them choices to avoid conflict. It's also important not to arouse unwanted qualities like stubbornness and self-will in the first place by making unnecessary demands. Let's not forget that all bad qualities are strengthened with practice, just like the good ones! If the child is self-willed, the more it is stimulated, the stronger the self-will becomes, just as the arm muscles grow stronger with constant use.

Adapted from: Ella Eaton Kelllog, Studies in character formation, pp. 77-79.